The Gift of Self-Compassion
We've all been there: the moment a mistake is made, the wrong thing is said, or we simply experience regret. Now consider the way you tend to respond to yourself in these moments. Do you tend to use language that is reassuring, kind, and compassionate? Or do you lean more toward criticism, frustration, or even disgust with yourself? The latter is what we call the inner critic, that voice or internal part that works to punish us when we experience guilt or regret.
Now imagine a close friend or family member makes a similar mistake. What would you say to them? Would it be those same harsh words you speak to yourself? Or would it be understanding, forgiving, and kind? It is common to experience the ability to actively practice compassion toward others, but struggle to reflect that same compassion back toward ourselves.
The concept of self-compassion aims to improve our ability to treat ourselves with the kindness that we display toward the people we love and admire. The goal is to become better allies to ourselves, rather than treating ourselves like an enemy.
The Three Components of Self-Compassion
Researcher and professor Dr. Kristin Neff has identified three key components that make up self-compassion:
1. Self-Kindness
Self-kindness is characterized by the ability to demonstrate kindness and understanding toward ourselves when we perceive something within ourselves that we don't like or wish to improve.
Imagine forgetting an important deadline. Rather than thinking "I'm an idiot, I never get anything right," self-kindness would sound more like "Everyone makes mistakes. I can improve on this in the future."
2. Common Humanity
This principle emphasizes that every human experiences suffering, both emotional and physical. It is inevitable to experience failure and imperfection, and we are all works-in-progress. We often hold ourselves to higher standards and expectations, and it's easy to forget that everyone else is on their own path facing the same struggles.
In thinking about how this might sound in practice, consider how others may be experiencing your same struggles, and that you are not alone in your experience of suffering: "Everyone struggles with this kind of thing sometimes. I'm not alone in making mistakes."
3. Mindfulness
Mindfulness describes the ability to recognize, in the present moment, what you are experiencing in your mind and body. In regard to self-compassion, this involves tuning into your suffering and acknowledging it in a non-judgmental way.
This may sound like, "I notice I'm feeling really anxious about this presentation" vs. "I'm a nervous wreck who always fails."
Simple Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion can feel overwhelming and may feel particularly difficult to practice early on, especially when we have had years of experiencing repeated, consistent self-criticism. Below are some simple techniques for practicing self-compassion in difficult moments.
3 Steps to Self-Compassion
Acknowledge: "This is a moment of suffering."
Normalize: "Suffering is part of life."
Offer kindness: "May I be kind to myself in this moment."
Physical Comfort
Practice providing yourself with physical comfort in moments of distress or self-judgment. Lay down with a soft blanket, watch a comforting show or movie, or even practice holding your own hand or holding yourself in a gentle embrace.
Cognitive Reframing
Take a moment to think about how you would speak to a close friend in the same situation. Use those words to speak directly to yourself.
Getting Started
Self-compassion is a skill that develops with practice. Expect it to feel foreign, perhaps even threatening, when you begin to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. This is something new that you are not used to. You don't need to master it overnight; in fact, being impatient with your progress is the opposite of self-compassion. Try some small steps to practicing self-compassion this week, and notice what it's like to try something new.
Notice your inner critic this week and practice mindfulness when it shows up
Normalize your suffering and struggle, remembering that everyone goes through hardships in life
Think about how you would speak to a close friend in the same situation
Self-compassion isn't a destination to arrive at or a goal to check off your list. It's a practice that grows stronger each time you choose kindness over criticism. In a world that often demands perfection, treating yourself with compassion becomes a radical act of courage that can open the door to genuine healing and growth.
